Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
