Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
