1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Let's get the cat blown out
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
