Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
