We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
