I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
organizing the empties. That sober.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I love you. Go after that dick
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
