My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
