I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
