is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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