I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
