Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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