i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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