I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
