she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
