I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
