we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
