Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's never too late to be topless.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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