if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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