I CAN MOONWALK!
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Randomize
