Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
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It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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