she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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