We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
