I seem to have left my pride at pride
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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