the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
