New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
