i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
