Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
