went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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