my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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