i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
