why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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