My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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