i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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