at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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