I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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