why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
