Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
