You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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