Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
