I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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