This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
