matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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