it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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