**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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