His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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