i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
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christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
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He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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