I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
