He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
