I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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