I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
