How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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