I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
