True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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